The whole internet flamed these apps to a cinder, but what if, by some miracle of a brainwave you discover the features hidden among the bugs? Can you see them too? Written by Vincent Tan
Credit belongs to respective owner.
Peeple
Function – Allows users to create online reviews of anyone.
Obvious flaw – Letting the internet talk about your personality.
Less obvious use – Meet the first iGossip, a gossip column dedicated to one subject: you. Peeple-enabled Google glasses may someday superimpose online gossip over new acquaintances, the better to interrupt your first impression.
Credit belongs to respective owner.
Send me to heaven
Function – Awards points according to how high you toss your phone.
Obvious flaw – Smartphones neither look like tennis balls, nor bounce like tennis balls.
Less obvious use – Used as a clincher for any basketball club tryout, it shows in black and white that you toss high, catch well and have a devil-may-care attitude.
Image belongs to Pbrundel.
Tweetpee
Function – Alerts you when your child pees, and lets you tweet the news to others.
Obvious flaw – #babysfirstpee has the power to anti-trend.
Less obvious use – It’s annoying. Which can be a good thing. For example if you were bugged by mom and pop into having kids, remind them how thankful you are with a 2am tweet.
Hold on
Function – Records exactly how long you can press a button on the screen.
Obvious flaw – Low on entertainment, high on pointlessness.
Less obvious use – Nothing is as passive-aggressive as a stopwatch with a dark red background. Display your impatience to that slowpoke in the toilet stall with a cheerful “New highscore!”
I am important
Function – Plans imaginary events, introduces imaginary contacts, asks about your day and posts your imaginary success on facebook
Obvious flaw – The irony is strong in this one.
Less obvious use – Feel better about yourself when you pass over this app.
Image belongs to photosteve101.
Electric razor simulator
Function – Displays an image of an electric shaver and buzzes like one.
Obvious flaw – Less useful than a real shaver and not even a very good joke.
Less obvious use – Come November, pretend to shave with your smartphone app, then tell your shocked friends you haven’t lost your marbles, you’re just raising awareness for Movember and prostate cancer.
Credit belongs to respective owner.
Ghost Radar: Classic
Function – Locates nearby ghosts and allows communication through quantum fluctuations.
Obvious flaw – Displays coloured blips on a radar screen along with random words, that’s it.
Less obvious use – A hokey way for casual fans to celebrate the Ghostbusters franchise. PS: Ghost Detector Free, connects you with more erudite ghostly vocabulary like “inopportune”, “nervousness” and “seminary”.
Image belongs to qthomasbower.
I am rich
Function – Costs you £599.99, and does…nothing.
Obvious flaw – It’s a scam!
Less obvious use – Provided a lifesaving loophole for the day Apple’s app store kept it up. Anyone whose credit card info was stolen could access the internet and empty their bank account by buying the app. After frustrating the robber, they could angrily demand a refund from Apple by claiming the cat sat on their iphone.
Pet baby
Function – Airbrushes the eyes of a dog (or anything else) onto the face of a baby
Obvious flaw – Creepy and awful amalgamations of pet and baby.
Less obvious use – Creepy and awful amalgamations of pet and baby. The possessed child, the Chucky doll, Gremlins, twisted cuteness leaves lasting horror. Good for artists seeking inspiration for a new monster design. Add a photo of anything close at hand: a pet tortoise, a parakeet, to this app and let your imagination run wild.
Broken clocks can be right, and silly apps can be useful. It’s all in your perspective.
