The Idiot’s Guide To The Galaxy

An uncompromising know-how on traveling smart

By Gan Phua Beng

To all stupid travellers, stay at home. Considering that travel season will soon be upon us, Gan Phua Beng has decided to do a piece on travel. Seems relatively fitting doesn’t it? GPB thought it was pretty damn brilliant too. So onwards.

GPB just got back from a… “Business” trip. All GPB is going to say about the business, is that it is highly lucrative and that bits of the anatomy were involved. Come to think of it, quite a lot of the anatomy actually. Paris and Scotland were the destinations. Weather was nice, girls were decent in Paris and in Scotland, everyone was trying to feed GPB sheep’s innards.

Don’t get GPB wrong, GPB thinks that travelling is one of the best ways to expand your scope, broaden your mind, smell new smells, new flavours, live a little and not think this tiny island is the world. Despite GPB’s love for travel, the airport is always the portion of travelling with the highest stress levels. GPB could be in the shadiest parts of Tokyo with 9 ninjas confronting him with his back against the wall and still be relatively calm. Most of you have been overseas before and I am assuming also that most of you have taken an airplane somewhere. This would mean you already have a slight inclination to the rules. The next time you travel, heed the following advice or risk the chance of getting bludgeoned by yours truly.

Piercings are cool. Metal detectors and airport security feel otherwise.

1. That thing you have to walk through at security, yes, it is a metal detector. Funny thing about it is, there are quite a lot of metals that will not sound the alarm. So if you’ve already triggered the alarm with that knock off Armani Exchange belt you got from China, why in the world would you want to wear it through the next time.

2. Nail clippers, nail files, staplers and the like are deadly weapons which could be used to overpower the metrosexual male stewards and take over the plane. Don’t put them in your handbag thinking you will give yourself a manicure during the flight.

3. It also does not matter how much you argue, that bottle of water is not going to be allowed on board, so quit yammering with the airport security and throw it away.

4. Old people carry an insane amount of things with them onto the plane because they don’t believe their luggage will arrive at the destination country, leaving them with the only pair of adult diapers they have on for 2 weeks. I advise you to move to another queue and not think they will make it past security fast.


Playing "Marco Polo" on the plane isn't exactly everybody's idea of in-flight entertainment

5. Ladies and gents, if you wear boots, they will ask you to remove them, expose your hole-riddled socks to the world, annoy you and then make you walk through the sensor because, a bazooka can totally fit in your boots! Don’t wear boots.

GPB could go on forever but this damn magazine only gave me half a page. You can be sure GPB already flipped the editor off.

Be a traveller, not a tourist.

Travel the Gan Phua Beng way, always first class. Unless you don’t have enough frequent flyer points.